I’ve learned a great deal about people in the short time I have worked in tech support. There seem to be certain behaviors, or species, if you will, that make up the broad and diverse landscape of the telephone tech support que. It’s been almost a year and my work of classifying these creatures has progressed quite well. Today I submit the most common archetypes that have gained my attention so far. While this is not a complete list, I believe this to be a solid foundation on which this study can be built.
Keywordimus Extremus – Give this guy a hand full of buzzwords and he’s off to the races He will hammer you relentlessly with tech terms that he picked up somewhere, but hasn’t a clue what they mean. He is not afraid to use terms like “Hyper-threading”, “Scalable Link Interface”, and “Voice Over IP”, even if the conversation is about his digital camera. Keywordimus Extremus is almost always a male, over 40, and very annoying. This person will hang on your every word just long enough for the opportunity to drop one of his KILLER phrases to impress, and gain your favor, such as; “My hard drive has dual core processors”, or “I have high speed internet”.
There is a sub-species of this group, who have accumulated far fewer words, and will typically use only one term to describe anything with blinky LED lights as the “modem” or the “CPU” over and over again.
It-happened-by-itself-imus - A rather peculiar species which insists that any and all strange software occurrences on their computer have come into being without explanation, and thus, are an inherent problem of the computer manufacturer. Forget the fact that it was not installed on their computer when they bought it. (Although it should be pointed out that computer manufacturers will put just about any crappy software on their machines for the right price.) This species is very superstitious in that they seem to think that everything handed down to them from the internet gods, whether it be freeware, or pirated software must work perfectly and in perfect harmony with all the other garbage on the computer. If not, this must represent a bad omen and can only be properly disposed of by the computer shaman and his wondrous magical staff of software healing. Efforts to explain why they really don’t need 6 media players running at startup has no effect, yet they continue to host the ultimate battle-royale of shit software on their machine until it inevitably blue screens itself to death.
Buy-a-mac-a-mus – These people are so utterly fed up, so destroyed in spirit, that they actually utter the words, “I am going to buy a Mac”. While their computing stories of woe may touch even the most jaded tech support veterans, it is commonly known that they would be worse off with OSX. Learning a new and easier way to do things can often backfire. These poor people wouldn’t know what to do with themselves should they encounter large gaps of time not spent trying to navigate the gauntlet of software updates, pop ups, and all the other worthless circus-ware that demands their attention.
So-sadly-a-hopeless-mess-amus – They are very polite, and a pleasure to assist with most issues. Things can take a tragic turn however if you spend any lengthy trouble shooting sessions having to explain the difference between a modem and a computer 4 or 5 times without any of it actually sinking in. They have all of the patience in the world, and I would much rather help them than some obnoxious jerk, but they have a severe disability to retain any new information about their computer. Once they make that first word association with “the box that CD’s go into”, it is unchangeable, and will be forever known as the CPU/main frame/hard drive/modem, etc. These are the same people who think that AOL IS the internet. These beings are responsible for more tech support induced depression than all others combined. Having said that, they are the reason I have a job.
I’m-a-software-engineer-a-mus – Among the most amusing callers to encounter throughout the day, their problems are typically the easiest to solve. Many find a way to crowbar their title early into the conversation. They will desperately start rattling off excuses like a machine gun when they realize that you’ve just solved their 3 day long ordeal in less than 15 minutes.
Technophobius-a-read-amus – Once bitten, twice shy. At one time or another something so sinister happened with just a single mouse click, that they are now afraid to do anything of consequence on their computer, ever again. They will call me to help them delete emails. They read EVERYTHING on the screen to you as if the computer is about to EXPLODE! This gets old quickly, but it provides time for bathroom breaks.
Windows Vista User Account Control is probably the most horrifying thing that ever happened to these poor computer users.
Brooklyn-a-mus-a-fuss – Probably the most volatile of the bunch, this species is quite interesting and can be highly unpredictable. While your typical New Yorker is a street savvy, take-no-shit, sort of person in most situations, they turn into the most gullible bunch of retard-sauce-eating goombas when confronted with a computer. Brooklyn-a-muss-a-fuss is under the strange impression that unlike everything else in this world, his or her computer should be perfect and perform every function flawlessly just like in the movies! When it doesn’t work that way, they will whine, complain and eventually blame you for it. A popular theory on the matter suggests that New Yorkers simply lack the time and interest to dedicate to such nonsense, and would rather take advice from a drunken relative than actually read the fucking manual. Approach with caution, and try not to use any technical terms, as they will get very angry and accuse you of being a know-it-all.
Pornimus-Hornimus – These are always male, and can be further categorized into the 1% that tell the truth and the 99% that lie. Most of them invariably make up some story about looking at something rather innocuous like helicopter websites, only to get bombarded with dozens of hardcore XXX pop ups that just came out of nowhere. I mentioned helicopters because a customer actually used that one on me…I had to put him on hold just to laugh. Pornimus-Hornimus is likely to find himself in a desperate, time critical situation as he needs his issue resolved BEFORE his wife or girlfriend get home.
All-techimus-know-a-mus – Personally, I find these to be the most annoying as they just refuse to do any critical thinking or research at all when it comes to tech-products. Instead, they assume I know EVERYTHING about EVERY computer peripheral and gadget on the market and proceed to ask for my advice regarding their next home stereo purchase. I have no idea why they even trust me, but sometimes I can’t help myself, so I will just make something up.
Southern-folk-a-mus – Absolutely the best calls that any poor tech support sap like me can hope to get. Southern-folk-a-mus is pleasant, honest, and is 100% trusting. I love, love, love these calls. The computer is the reason they called, but the conversation consists of just about anything but the issue at hand. For every 2 minutes spent trouble shooting, another 10 minutes is spent talking about recipes, family, and current events. Even if the issue isn’t fully resolved, they are just happy as shit to speak with an American.
