I started getting these retarded-ass loan offers just after getting a Citi Financial credit card early this year. Even when you pay off your credit cards at the end of the month (I’m in it for the reward points…which actually, kind of suck), they will send you these checks, slash, coupons relentlessly, until you finally give in…or blog angrily about it.
Given the terms on the back of the check, which I hold in my impoverished little hands, I must be in desperate need of an ass-raping as far as Citi Financial is concerned. This is essentially a Payday Loan, however, I must be special since they already printed my name on the check. They trust me…and I gotta say, it feels sooooo good! It sure is great to be a white male in Amer-i-fuckin-ca! Lets see those Payday Loan losers do that, haa!
What would I even do with $5,000 besides buy a big-ass TV and watch people doing things that I could actually be doing myself had I not spent my money so frivolously?! I could always um…er….uh…hmmm…terrorists are everywhere…so I better just get that big-ass TV and stay at home just to be on the safe side.
Memo to the credit card companies:
Please stop sending me offers to borrow 8,500 dollars….ERRRRR…I mean 5,000 dollars. Thank You.
I resent even being called a consumer. It’s like I am viewed as someone who is EXPECTED amass debt until all I can afford is the minimum monthly payment…oh how the credit card companies convulse with orgasmic joy when that is all people can afford to pay.
Here is a preview of the letter that I am going to send back to Citi Financial tomorrow:
Dear Citi Financial,
Thank you so very much for considering me for a pre-approved 5,000 dollar loan. I feel honored that you would print my name on a check worth 5,000 dollars even though you hardly know me. With such a warm gesture, you have earned a loyal customer for life! I was so excited when I got your letter that I actually tumbled downstairs backwards and killed a kitten on the way down. Normally this would have ruined my entire year, but today is so much different. I feel a certain pride that is difficult to express when I think about how thoughtful you all are. Thank You so very much! Why, just 3 days prior, I was in a deep depression when I realized that I have no money set aside to make a down payment on that 158 inch High Definition Television that I have only dreamed about. You know the TV Im talking about right? The one with the giant 39 inch vibrating cock that springs out of a hidden door every time my team scores a touchdown! With that 5,000 dollar check I received from you all, I can honestly say that you have saved my life! Thank you so much and God Bless America!
1 Comment
October 5, 2008 at 6:52 am
i need it for a new car to go to work